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First off, apologies for the long silence.
Now on to G.I. Joe, which I can describe in one word, and I truly mean this as a compliment, …craptastic! OK, I totally stole that description of the movie from cinematical.com, but it’s completely accurate.
The Basics: Have no idea how to sum this up. Elite group of soldiers, bad guys, stolen weapons, secret training lairs, blah, blah blah. If you’ve watched the cartoon or read the comics, you know. If you haven’t, you’ll catch on quickly.
What I Liked: I’ve discussed before how expectations can have quite an impact on how much you enjoy a movie. And I had pretty low expectations for this one. So I had a pretty good time. The cast is a fun collection; Dennis Quaid is always good for some nice scenery, love Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and a cameo from Brendon Fraser. And all the actors embraced this craptastic script with enthusiasm, delivering Joe lines like “And knowing is half the battle” with Hasselhoff-level cheese. And it has pretty much everything you expect from an action movie. Lots of people get stabbed & shot. It’s very explodey and lots of things light up. Also Marlon Wayans, playing your plucky comic relief is, in fact, both plucky and comical.
What I Didn’t Like: In a movie filled with cheesy performances, Channing Tatum can only manage wooden. (Sorry, Leilani.) I was also expecting a cartoon level of violence but a lot of people got ninja stars to the eye and such. (Ouch! That’s gonna leave a mark.)
Bonus Section – Lists: Didn’t know whether to put these under Liked or Didn’t Like so here they are.
Movies G.I.Joe Wishes It Was But Isn’t
Transformers
Iron Man
Apollo 13 (really)
All the Star Wars but especially Phantom Menace (the same actor goes through almost the exact same fight sequence but without the John Williams choral arrangement)
Pretty much any Will Smith action movie
Any Pierce Brosnan Bond movie
Black Hawk Down (they actually used footage from this one)
Aladdin
Lines From Other Movies/TV Shows We Quoted While Watching G.I. Joe
“Um, I’ve been turned into a cow. Can I be excused?”
“the one who will bring balance to the force”
“Well, that’s a shame.”
Bonus Section – Games:
1. Add to either of these lists
2. Guess the source of the quotes.
Bottom Line: A really bad but still fun action movie.
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